You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital.
This is STRESS!
In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father.
This is a BIG STRESS already.
You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children).
This is a STRESS, combined with a relief.
On your way back home you remember, thatyou have three kids.
That's what the REAL STRESS is.
P.S.
What do you do to your wife when you get home?
UGO AND UZO VIBE
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Which is your favourite nigerian LOVE actor???
1. Ramsey noah
2. Emeka ike
3. Desmond elliot
4. Jim iyke
5. Bob emmanuel
6. Others (specify)
A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his patients have been cured of madness
A psychiatrist wanted to know
how many of his patients have
been cured of madness, so he
assembled them in a classroom
and drew a big door on d
board. He den told d class that if anyone can open d door on d
board, that person will receive
a gift of 20,000 cash and will
be free to go home. On hearing
this, they all rushed to d board
to open d door, except one young man who remained in his
seat at d back smiling. The
psychiatrist, with joy and
excitement on his face seeing
that somebody has been cured
of madness, went to him and asked, why didn't u join ur
mates to open d door?The
young man replied, no mind
those mad people, they don't
know that the key is in my
pocket.
how many of his patients have
been cured of madness, so he
assembled them in a classroom
and drew a big door on d
board. He den told d class that if anyone can open d door on d
board, that person will receive
a gift of 20,000 cash and will
be free to go home. On hearing
this, they all rushed to d board
to open d door, except one young man who remained in his
seat at d back smiling. The
psychiatrist, with joy and
excitement on his face seeing
that somebody has been cured
of madness, went to him and asked, why didn't u join ur
mates to open d door?The
young man replied, no mind
those mad people, they don't
know that the key is in my
pocket.
MAGICIAN AND AKPOS
MAGICIAN: I'll cut your wife's body into two halves.
AKPOS: What kind of magic is that, you'll turn my problem from
one to two! Make her disappear instead
AKPOS: What kind of magic is that, you'll turn my problem from
one to two! Make her disappear instead
A MUST READ JOKE
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road outside Parliament, Delhi.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Indian Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Indian Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
Girl sets boyfriends Range Rover Sports ablaze in Edo State, Nigeria
It is gathered that the girl has since disappeeared as the police are on the hunt for her.
Hmmm this girl don take too much oh, is he married to her ??? If you were the guy, what will you do ???
If Footballers and co. took an Exam! MUST READ!!
Messi: I Topped the Exam
Iniesta & Xavi: We Passed, and thengave
the answer to Messi
C. Ronaldo: I was the first to finish the test, but came 2nd...
Robben: Damnit, I Didn't pass..
Pepe: The
Examiner didn't give me
marks so i kicked his Bottom and passed
Balotelli: I Failed, WHY ALWAYS ME?
Ramsey: The Examiner died after reading my answers...
Dzeko: I came Late, but Passed
Ferguson: I Paid and complained the
examiner about the exam and passed..
Juan Mata : I didn't pass the exam but it
doesn't
MATA Clattenburg: The Examiner Didn't let me
pass, so i gave him a red Card...
Jose Mourinho: I Talked too much that I
forgot about the Exam..
Torres : I missed the exam!!!!
Terry : Well the external examiner was hot...
Di Matteo: I passed the exam but i was
later disqualified..
Suarez : I didn't write the exam cuz the
examiner told me to use black pen only...
Downing: Damn, I didn't Know we had a Test..
Abrahimovic: I kept changing my
subjects so I couldn't give any exam in
the end!!
add urs
Iniesta & Xavi: We Passed, and thengave
the answer to Messi
C. Ronaldo: I was the first to finish the test, but came 2nd...
Robben: Damnit, I Didn't pass..
Pepe: The
Examiner didn't give me
marks so i kicked his Bottom and passed
Balotelli: I Failed, WHY ALWAYS ME?
Ramsey: The Examiner died after reading my answers...
Dzeko: I came Late, but Passed
Ferguson: I Paid and complained the
examiner about the exam and passed..
Juan Mata : I didn't pass the exam but it
doesn't
MATA Clattenburg: The Examiner Didn't let me
pass, so i gave him a red Card...
Jose Mourinho: I Talked too much that I
forgot about the Exam..
Torres : I missed the exam!!!!
Terry : Well the external examiner was hot...
Di Matteo: I passed the exam but i was
later disqualified..
Suarez : I didn't write the exam cuz the
examiner told me to use black pen only...
Downing: Damn, I didn't Know we had a Test..
Abrahimovic: I kept changing my
subjects so I couldn't give any exam in
the end!!
add urs
3 contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the white house,
3 contractors are bidding to fix a broken
fence
at the white house, where Barack obama
Lives.
The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA
& the 3rd from Nigeria.They go with White
House
official to examine the fence.
The Indian takes out a tape & did some
measuring, works some figures "Well",
he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for
materials, $400 for my teamv& $100
profit for
me)".
The Chinese does some measuring &
figuring, says,"I can do it for $700. ($300 for
materials, $300 for my team & $100
profit for
me)".
The Nigerian did not even measure or
figure out anything, but he walks aound the White
House &
whispers "$2,700. "The official says, "You
didn't even measure how did you come
up with
such a high figure? "The Nigerian whispers"$
1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to
hire the
Chinese to do the job.
GBAM... naija for you
fence
at the white house, where Barack obama
Lives.
The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA
& the 3rd from Nigeria.They go with White
House
official to examine the fence.
The Indian takes out a tape & did some
measuring, works some figures "Well",
he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for
materials, $400 for my teamv& $100
profit for
me)".
The Chinese does some measuring &
figuring, says,"I can do it for $700. ($300 for
materials, $300 for my team & $100
profit for
me)".
The Nigerian did not even measure or
figure out anything, but he walks aound the White
House &
whispers "$2,700. "The official says, "You
didn't even measure how did you come
up with
such a high figure? "The Nigerian whispers"$
1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to
hire the
Chinese to do the job.
GBAM... naija for you
MY PRAYERS FOR YOU TODAY
Every obituary waiting for you today shall
backfire by fire. Every dark river fashioned to
stop you from crossing over to your promise
land shall dry up now. Every satanic torch and
candle fashioned to search for your destiny
this night shall catch fire.
Every satanic generator passing evil current
into your body anytime you are sleeping to
make you fall sick shall be destroyed. Yoke of
sickness in your life shall be broken to
irrepairable pieces and you shall wake up
tomorrow strong and healthy in Jesus name,
say AMEN
backfire by fire. Every dark river fashioned to
stop you from crossing over to your promise
land shall dry up now. Every satanic torch and
candle fashioned to search for your destiny
this night shall catch fire.
Every satanic generator passing evil current
into your body anytime you are sleeping to
make you fall sick shall be destroyed. Yoke of
sickness in your life shall be broken to
irrepairable pieces and you shall wake up
tomorrow strong and healthy in Jesus name,
say AMEN
Brain Teaser... Only For Smart people
Brain Teaser... Only For Smart people
If
Sanmi's wife is Wunmi
Ishola's wife is Shola
Kola's wife is Bola
Goke's wife is Joke Bayo's wife is Tayo
Dele's wife is Yele
Demola's wife is Desola
Then, who is most likely to be Femi's
wife ........ ?
If
Sanmi's wife is Wunmi
Ishola's wife is Shola
Kola's wife is Bola
Goke's wife is Joke Bayo's wife is Tayo
Dele's wife is Yele
Demola's wife is Desola
Then, who is most likely to be Femi's
wife ........ ?
TEACHER TO AKPOS
Teacher - "We are the descendants of
Adam and Eve."
Akpors - "...Excuse me sir, but my dad says
we are the decendants of ape."
Teacher - "We are not talking about ur
family here"
Akpors fainted...drop ur prayers
Adam and Eve."
Akpors - "...Excuse me sir, but my dad says
we are the decendants of ape."
Teacher - "We are not talking about ur
family here"
Akpors fainted...drop ur prayers
Monday, 29 July 2013
ABI NA The Lagos State Medical Doctors were on Strike.
A senior Doc was in a hurry to join his
colleague in the protest while in the
theatre on a patient, so he left Dr. Akpors - his male assistant in charge.
The senior doc came back & asked,
"How did u get on?"
Dr Akpors says,
"I had 3 Patients. The 1st had a Headache
so I give her Paracetamol" "Good man" says the Senior Doc.
"The 2nd had Indigestion, so I gave her
Gaviscon."
"Well done." said the senior Doc.
"The 3rd was a Young gorgeous woman
who burst into d room, took off all her clothes & lay downon the table, spreads her
legs and shouts,
'Please, please help me, I haven't seen a
man in 5 years……...!'"
"Shiiit!!! What did you do?" asks the senior
Doc. Dr Akpors replies,
"I gave her Eyedrops
colleague in the protest while in the
theatre on a patient, so he left Dr. Akpors - his male assistant in charge.
The senior doc came back & asked,
"How did u get on?"
Dr Akpors says,
"I had 3 Patients. The 1st had a Headache
so I give her Paracetamol" "Good man" says the Senior Doc.
"The 2nd had Indigestion, so I gave her
Gaviscon."
"Well done." said the senior Doc.
"The 3rd was a Young gorgeous woman
who burst into d room, took off all her clothes & lay downon the table, spreads her
legs and shouts,
'Please, please help me, I haven't seen a
man in 5 years……...!'"
"Shiiit!!! What did you do?" asks the senior
Doc. Dr Akpors replies,
"I gave her Eyedrops
"Deepest" feelings of my heart while praying for you ,
"Deepest" feelings of my heart while
praying for you ,
May "GOD"
Convert
Ur
Discomforts To
Comforts,
Ur
Pains
To
Gains, Ur
Minimum
To
Maximum,
Ur
Losses To
Profits,
Ur
Tears
To
Smiles, Ur
Sorrows
To
Pleasures,
Ur
Bad-wishers To
Well-wishers,
Ur
Debts
To
Credits, &
Ur
Good Dreams
To
Realities!
And make these "Everlasting!
(Ameen)
praying for you ,
May "GOD"
Convert
Ur
Discomforts To
Comforts,
Ur
Pains
To
Gains, Ur
Minimum
To
Maximum,
Ur
Losses To
Profits,
Ur
Tears
To
Smiles, Ur
Sorrows
To
Pleasures,
Ur
Bad-wishers To
Well-wishers,
Ur
Debts
To
Credits, &
Ur
Good Dreams
To
Realities!
And make these "Everlasting!
(Ameen)
11 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN ALL OVER THE WORLD
1. Every 90 seconds, one woman dies during pregnancy or childbirth. Most of these deaths are preventable, but due to gender-based discrimination many women are not given the proper education or care they need.
2. Reports show that violence against women increases during pregnancy.
3. Women make up 80 percent of all refugees and displaced people.
Instruments of genocide such as sexual violence and rape are often directed at
women and girls.
4. Women are largely excluded from formal peace processes. Only 1 in 13
participants of peace negotiations since 1992 were women.
5. Women gained the right to vote in America less than 100 years ago in 1920..
6. Women make up more than 50 percent of the global population, but fill less
than 20 percent of all parliamentary seats.
7. More than 16.4 million women in the world have HIV/AIDS. In some regions,
girls are HIV-positive at a rate 5 times that of boys.
8. The majority of persons smuggled illegally across country borders are
women. Many of them are kidnapped or sold by their own families into the sex
industry.
9. Women account for 70 percent of the population living in absolute poverty
(on less than $1.00 a day).
10. 80 percent of victims of hand-held weapons in war are women.
11. Girls are actually less likely to reach adulthood because of gender
discrimination. Tens of millions of girls have been aborted, killed,
undernourished, or terribly neglected due to their gender.
2. Reports show that violence against women increases during pregnancy.
3. Women make up 80 percent of all refugees and displaced people.
Instruments of genocide such as sexual violence and rape are often directed at
women and girls.
4. Women are largely excluded from formal peace processes. Only 1 in 13
participants of peace negotiations since 1992 were women.
5. Women gained the right to vote in America less than 100 years ago in 1920..
6. Women make up more than 50 percent of the global population, but fill less
than 20 percent of all parliamentary seats.
7. More than 16.4 million women in the world have HIV/AIDS. In some regions,
girls are HIV-positive at a rate 5 times that of boys.
8. The majority of persons smuggled illegally across country borders are
women. Many of them are kidnapped or sold by their own families into the sex
industry.
9. Women account for 70 percent of the population living in absolute poverty
(on less than $1.00 a day).
10. 80 percent of victims of hand-held weapons in war are women.
11. Girls are actually less likely to reach adulthood because of gender
discrimination. Tens of millions of girls have been aborted, killed,
undernourished, or terribly neglected due to their gender.
A guy was chilling with his girlfriend
A guy was chilling with his girlfriend when she excused herself to
attend to something else but left her phone behind.
A while later her phone rang and the guy looked at the caller ID...it
read Maga 32, he laughed so hard then he thought about calling
her phone just for kicks.
Unfortunately the caller ID read Maga 98...the guy broke down in
tears!
attend to something else but left her phone behind.
A while later her phone rang and the guy looked at the caller ID...it
read Maga 32, he laughed so hard then he thought about calling
her phone just for kicks.
Unfortunately the caller ID read Maga 98...the guy broke down in
tears!
Akpor and his best friend Eazy
Akpor
and his best friend Eazy sat in the exam room to write their final year
exam. Eazy had studied verywell for the paper while Akpors had not.
This is what went on between them in the exam room.
INVIGILATOR: 10 mins to Stop work.
AKPORS: Eazy are you done with the theory.
EAZY: yes but am now doing the objectives.
AKPORS: ok then pass the theory to me for me to copy cos i have not done anything.
Eazy: is that so? Ok take it and copy cos time is not on our side.
AKPORS: tnx
INVIGILATOR: get ready to stop work......
EAZY: hey Akpors give me my paper.
AKPORS: oh Eazy i couldnt do it oo...it was too many, so i cancelled ur name and wrote my name there...
EAZY: what!!!???
INVIGILATOR: Stop work!!!
IS Akpors smart or Wicked??
This is what went on between them in the exam room.
INVIGILATOR: 10 mins to Stop work.
AKPORS: Eazy are you done with the theory.
EAZY: yes but am now doing the objectives.
AKPORS: ok then pass the theory to me for me to copy cos i have not done anything.
Eazy: is that so? Ok take it and copy cos time is not on our side.
AKPORS: tnx
INVIGILATOR: get ready to stop work......
EAZY: hey Akpors give me my paper.
AKPORS: oh Eazy i couldnt do it oo...it was too many, so i cancelled ur name and wrote my name there...
EAZY: what!!!???
INVIGILATOR: Stop work!!!
IS Akpors smart or Wicked??
AKPOS goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes
back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.
You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a
regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is
the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
AKPOS gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and
explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to Akpos's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY
chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.
You pull out one of its
legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
Akpos calmly looks at
the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the
bird's rectum (nyash), pulls it out and licks it.
He (akpos) then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead and please take your time while doing it"
How many Likes for Akpos?
You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a
regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is
the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
AKPOS gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and
explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to Akpos's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY
chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.
You pull out one of its
legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
Akpos calmly looks at
the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the
bird's rectum (nyash), pulls it out and licks it.
He (akpos) then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead and please take your time while doing it"
How many Likes for Akpos?
A wife was in bed with her lover
A wife was in bed with her lover when
she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said."He's so
drunk he won't even notice you're in bed
with me." Sure enough, the husband
lurched into bed,a few minutes later,through a drunken haze, he saw six
feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He
turned to his wife: "Hey,there are six feet
in this bed.There should only be
four.What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife,"You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and
try again. You can see better from over
there."
The husband climbed out of bed and
counted. "One, two,three, four. Damn,
you're right!!!!!
she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said."He's so
drunk he won't even notice you're in bed
with me." Sure enough, the husband
lurched into bed,a few minutes later,through a drunken haze, he saw six
feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He
turned to his wife: "Hey,there are six feet
in this bed.There should only be
four.What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife,"You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and
try again. You can see better from over
there."
The husband climbed out of bed and
counted. "One, two,three, four. Damn,
you're right!!!!!
After 8 months
After 8 months, got tired of her and wanted to
break up the r/ship but i was a little scared
cos i don't know how she would feel so i
decided to take her out to a eatery. She
ordered a bottle of Malta Guinness wit rice
and chicken In a shaky and sleepy voice i told
her that i am tired of her and want to stop
the r/ ship. I couldn't look inside her eyes cos
itwas fill wit tears, she cried and cried then
she decided to open the Malta Guinness to
calm herself.Suddenl y she stopped crying
and
busted out in laughter. I looked up and to my
greatest surprise she has the malta Guinness
crowncock with N2million instant price.
Please guyz if you were in my shoes what
would you do? And if you were the girl what
Would youdo to me?
break up the r/ship but i was a little scared
cos i don't know how she would feel so i
decided to take her out to a eatery. She
ordered a bottle of Malta Guinness wit rice
and chicken In a shaky and sleepy voice i told
her that i am tired of her and want to stop
the r/ ship. I couldn't look inside her eyes cos
itwas fill wit tears, she cried and cried then
she decided to open the Malta Guinness to
calm herself.Suddenl y she stopped crying
and
busted out in laughter. I looked up and to my
greatest surprise she has the malta Guinness
crowncock with N2million instant price.
Please guyz if you were in my shoes what
would you do? And if you were the girl what
Would youdo to me?
Akpos was arguing with his friend
Akpos was arguing with his friend
Rukewe yesterday morning.
Akpos: I dey tell you, na sun be this.
Rukewe: Na lie, na moon.
They argued like that for almost an hour
until they decided to ask a passerby. Akpos: Guy abeg, that thing na moon abi
na sun?.
Passerby: I no know, no be this area i dey
stay.
Who foolish pass??
Rukewe yesterday morning.
Akpos: I dey tell you, na sun be this.
Rukewe: Na lie, na moon.
They argued like that for almost an hour
until they decided to ask a passerby. Akpos: Guy abeg, that thing na moon abi
na sun?.
Passerby: I no know, no be this area i dey
stay.
Who foolish pass??
Groom in Black
Attending a wedding for the first time, a
little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is
the bride dressedin white?" "Because
white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life." The child
thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"
So why do you think he is in black?
little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is
the bride dressedin white?" "Because
white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life." The child
thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"
So why do you think he is in black?
A man approached a very beautiful
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears
out of nowhere."
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears
out of nowhere."
AKPOS prayed so hard and one day God finally
AKPOS prayed so hard and one day God finally talked to Him.
GOD: My Son, what do you really want?
AKPOS: I want a job, a big car and lots of girls to be all around
me..
GOD: Is that all?
AKPOS: Yes...
GOD: Your prayer has been answered.
AKPOS: Thank you God.
***Now AKPOS is now A BUS DRIVER in a FEMALE SCHOOL.
GOD: My Son, what do you really want?
AKPOS: I want a job, a big car and lots of girls to be all around
me..
GOD: Is that all?
AKPOS: Yes...
GOD: Your prayer has been answered.
AKPOS: Thank you God.
***Now AKPOS is now A BUS DRIVER in a FEMALE SCHOOL.
Nigeria Politics in a Lighter Perspective
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the white
house, where Barack obama Lives.
The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA & the 3rd akpos from
Nigeria.They go with White House official to examine the fence.
The Indian takes out a tape & did some measuring, works some
figures "Well", he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for
materials, $400 for my teamv& $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese does some measuring & figuring, says,"I can do it for
$700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team & $100 profit for
me)".
Akpos did not even measure or figure out anything, but he walks
around the White House & whispers "$2,700." The official says,
"You didn't even measure how did you come up with such a high
figure?" Akpos whispers "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to
hire the Chinese to do the job."
house, where Barack obama Lives.
The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA & the 3rd akpos from
Nigeria.They go with White House official to examine the fence.
The Indian takes out a tape & did some measuring, works some
figures "Well", he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for
materials, $400 for my teamv& $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese does some measuring & figuring, says,"I can do it for
$700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team & $100 profit for
me)".
Akpos did not even measure or figure out anything, but he walks
around the White House & whispers "$2,700." The official says,
"You didn't even measure how did you come up with such a high
figure?" Akpos whispers "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to
hire the Chinese to do the job."
A Warri tenant walked in & saw his landlord
A Warri tenant walked in & saw his landlord 19s son trying to
commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued:
Tenant: Akpos! Wetin you de do so?
Akpos: I dey try commit suicide, as Papa dey always complain
say my life dey worthless!
Tenant: That one no good now, but why you come tie de rope for
your waist?
Akpos: Bros, no be small thing o! I tie de rope for neck, I
NEARLY DIE!
commit suicide & a brief conversation ensued:
Tenant: Akpos! Wetin you de do so?
Akpos: I dey try commit suicide, as Papa dey always complain
say my life dey worthless!
Tenant: That one no good now, but why you come tie de rope for
your waist?
Akpos: Bros, no be small thing o! I tie de rope for neck, I
NEARLY DIE!
Akpos was in the classroom when his teacher gave a class work
Akpos was in the classroom when his teacher gave a class work
that everybody in class should draw a goat eating grass.
When they all finish drawing they submitted their work for the
teacher to grade, when the teacher wanted to grade Akpos' work,
he noticed that there was nothing on the drawing book.
So he called Akpos to ask why he left the drawing book blank.
Akpos replied and said "Maybe the goat has finish eating the grass
and went away"
that everybody in class should draw a goat eating grass.
When they all finish drawing they submitted their work for the
teacher to grade, when the teacher wanted to grade Akpos' work,
he noticed that there was nothing on the drawing book.
So he called Akpos to ask why he left the drawing book blank.
Akpos replied and said "Maybe the goat has finish eating the grass
and went away"
AKPOS WITH HIS WAY AGAIN
AKPOS: Please, send an ambulance fast! My friend just had an
accident. He's bleeding from the nose and ears, and I think both of
his legs are broken!
OPERATOR: Where is your location?
AKPOS: Gba--ja-bia--mila Street.
OPERATOR: Please, spell the Gbajabiamila.
[minutes of silence]
OPERATOR: Are you there?
[Still silent]
OPERATOR: Hey, mister! Are you there!?
AKPOS: [Panting] Erm...Erm...so sorry for the delay. I couldn't
spell Gbajabiamila. So, I've dragged him to Oni street. Should I
spell it now?
accident. He's bleeding from the nose and ears, and I think both of
his legs are broken!
OPERATOR: Where is your location?
AKPOS: Gba--ja-bia--mila Street.
OPERATOR: Please, spell the Gbajabiamila.
[minutes of silence]
OPERATOR: Are you there?
[Still silent]
OPERATOR: Hey, mister! Are you there!?
AKPOS: [Panting] Erm...Erm...so sorry for the delay. I couldn't
spell Gbajabiamila. So, I've dragged him to Oni street. Should I
spell it now?
TEACHER AND JOHNNY
TEACHER: Who is d President of Iraq?
JOHNNY: I don't know Miss
TEACHER: You need to focus more on your studies.
JOHNNY: Please Miss, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes.
JOHNNY: Do U know Angela
TEACHER: No, why?
JOHNNY: You need to focus more on your husband!
JOHNNY: I don't know Miss
TEACHER: You need to focus more on your studies.
JOHNNY: Please Miss, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes.
JOHNNY: Do U know Angela
TEACHER: No, why?
JOHNNY: You need to focus more on your husband!
A Farmer ordered a high-tech Milking Machine
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his member into the
equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was
automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much
more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though
he quickly realized that he couldn't remove his member from the
Instrument.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how
to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but
still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's
customer service hot line. "Hello, I just bought a Milking Machine
from your company, It works fantastic but how do I remove it
from the Cow's Udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine will
release automatically once it has collected two gallons."
equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was
automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much
more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though
he quickly realized that he couldn't remove his member from the
Instrument.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how
to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but
still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's
customer service hot line. "Hello, I just bought a Milking Machine
from your company, It works fantastic but how do I remove it
from the Cow's Udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine will
release automatically once it has collected two gallons."
Akpos asked Chichi in a library;
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?" Chichi answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”
All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was
embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, Chichi walked quietly to
Akpos’ table and she told him "I study psychology and I know
what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"
Akpos responded with a loud voice: "N50,000 JUST FOR ONE
NIGHT!!!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"
everyone in the library looked at Chichi in shock and Akpos
whispered in her ears "I study Law and I know how to make
someone feel guilty"
All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was
embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, Chichi walked quietly to
Akpos’ table and she told him "I study psychology and I know
what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"
Akpos responded with a loud voice: "N50,000 JUST FOR ONE
NIGHT!!!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"
everyone in the library looked at Chichi in shock and Akpos
whispered in her ears "I study Law and I know how to make
someone feel guilty"
INCEST :- Two Cousins Die While Making Love In Imo State ( photo )
Mr Mathias Nwoko and his female Cousin, Angela Ihuoma Anyanwu
Hell was let loose at Umualianya kindred Umumpe, Umuevu Okirika-Nweke in Ahiazu Mbaise LGA of Imo State last Monday when a man, Mr Mathias Nwoko and his female Cousin, Angela Ihuoma Anyanwu, met their untimely death while making love to each other.
Sources in the community told the reporter that the late Mathias, 45, had returned home from his Onitsha base to attend the priestly ordination of his kinsman, Rev. Fr. Anayochukwu Onuoha, held at Mater Dei Cathedral, Umuahia, Abia State last Saturday June 20 2013.
It was learnt that all through the ordination ceremony, Mathias and the late Angela were literally tied to each other, with the latter taking the front seat of the former’s jeep.
Their entanglement was said to have continued the next day, Sunday, during the ceremony marking the first Holy and Thanksgiving Mass at Holy Ghost Parish, Umuevu Okirika-Nweke.
The deceased were also seen together at the ordination reception and later at the compound of the new priest where they were dancing to the music coming from Mathias’ car’s loudspeakers, while he occasionally was shooting gunshots from his pump action gun as Angela fed him with cartridges.
Interestingly, the deceased cousins were among family members who received prayers from the new priest, who earlier enjoined the people of the community to shun hypocrisy, atrocities and other iniquities if they must avoid God’s anger.
The late Mathias who was said to have been married for 13 years without any child, however, returned home with a young girl as his fiancée who he left in the house.
It was gathered that while the fiancée was home watching videos and waiting for Mathias, he only returned around 11pm and told her to go to sleep while he collected torchlight to see Angela off to her house.
But that was not to be as the duo diverted to Mathias’ semi-completed building.
Worried by her daughter’s non arrival to the house, Angela’s mother called her phone line but Mathias was said to have answered the phone telling the woman that her daughter was with him.
Also, alarmed by Mathias’ absence in the house up till Monday morning, his fiancée began to look for him within the house and was shocked to have stumbled on the naked but entangled bodies locked in death.
She immediately alerted Mathias’ family members who could not believe their eyes. Also, Angela’s mother who was returning from Morning mass was simply speechless at the sight of the deceased.
The lady who was on top of the man had her blouse on but naked from the waist region while the man had his singlet on his neck. The two were dead.
Their bodies were removed and deposited at Holy Rosary Hospital, Ogbor Nguru in Aboh Mbaise LGA.
When contacted, the state police public relations officer (PPRO), Mrs Joy Elemoko, promised to call back to inform our reporter about the outcome of police investigation.
Hell was let loose at Umualianya kindred Umumpe, Umuevu Okirika-Nweke in Ahiazu Mbaise LGA of Imo State last Monday when a man, Mr Mathias Nwoko and his female Cousin, Angela Ihuoma Anyanwu, met their untimely death while making love to each other.
Sources in the community told the reporter that the late Mathias, 45, had returned home from his Onitsha base to attend the priestly ordination of his kinsman, Rev. Fr. Anayochukwu Onuoha, held at Mater Dei Cathedral, Umuahia, Abia State last Saturday June 20 2013.
It was learnt that all through the ordination ceremony, Mathias and the late Angela were literally tied to each other, with the latter taking the front seat of the former’s jeep.
Their entanglement was said to have continued the next day, Sunday, during the ceremony marking the first Holy and Thanksgiving Mass at Holy Ghost Parish, Umuevu Okirika-Nweke.
The deceased were also seen together at the ordination reception and later at the compound of the new priest where they were dancing to the music coming from Mathias’ car’s loudspeakers, while he occasionally was shooting gunshots from his pump action gun as Angela fed him with cartridges.
Interestingly, the deceased cousins were among family members who received prayers from the new priest, who earlier enjoined the people of the community to shun hypocrisy, atrocities and other iniquities if they must avoid God’s anger.
The late Mathias who was said to have been married for 13 years without any child, however, returned home with a young girl as his fiancée who he left in the house.
It was gathered that while the fiancée was home watching videos and waiting for Mathias, he only returned around 11pm and told her to go to sleep while he collected torchlight to see Angela off to her house.
But that was not to be as the duo diverted to Mathias’ semi-completed building.
Worried by her daughter’s non arrival to the house, Angela’s mother called her phone line but Mathias was said to have answered the phone telling the woman that her daughter was with him.
Also, alarmed by Mathias’ absence in the house up till Monday morning, his fiancée began to look for him within the house and was shocked to have stumbled on the naked but entangled bodies locked in death.
She immediately alerted Mathias’ family members who could not believe their eyes. Also, Angela’s mother who was returning from Morning mass was simply speechless at the sight of the deceased.
The lady who was on top of the man had her blouse on but naked from the waist region while the man had his singlet on his neck. The two were dead.
Their bodies were removed and deposited at Holy Rosary Hospital, Ogbor Nguru in Aboh Mbaise LGA.
When contacted, the state police public relations officer (PPRO), Mrs Joy Elemoko, promised to call back to inform our reporter about the outcome of police investigation.
A bus conductor, AKPOS and his driver,
A bus conductor, AKPOS and his driver, TOTOWEI were both arguing who was more brilliant.
TOTOWEI: U nor go school.
AKPOS: Haba! I go school pass u.
TOTOWEI: Oya, wetin b 2 times 2?
AKPOS: Ahan! Very easy! Dat one na 22 now.
TOTOWEI: Fool! Person tell u d answer for back abi.
Invite your pals to like this page and stay tuned.
TOTOWEI: U nor go school.
AKPOS: Haba! I go school pass u.
TOTOWEI: Oya, wetin b 2 times 2?
AKPOS: Ahan! Very easy! Dat one na 22 now.
TOTOWEI: Fool! Person tell u d answer for back abi.
Invite your pals to like this page and stay tuned.
A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying,
A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying, the
more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard,
suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he
pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3
abortion pills.
The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed
again and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL
PROSPER!"
more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard,
suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he
pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3
abortion pills.
The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed
again and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL
PROSPER!"
Saturday, 27 July 2013
Wickedness!!! Ritualist Caught for Killing a 4 Year Old Boy In Enugu (SEE PHOTO)
There was a phone number placed in some Bc’s where people could be contacted if they had seen him, as at 4th of july(not certain), news broke and we heard that he has been killed by a potential ritualist, Though the Ritualist was Caught. The video contains all that is needed to be seen.
See Photo After Cut
How long will we continue like this? A country which is fast developing but still having traits of the uncivilised world. From Boko-haram to Ritualists and then Robbers.
I went to a cinema with Akpos,
on getting to the cinema we saw a
bald guy, I showed the guy to Akpos and said "Look at fresh
head, this one is good to slap, but I'm afraid of the guy's face".
Akpos then said to me "WISEWIZZY, you fear a lot, I will slap that
head
and nothing will happen".
I dared him to do it and he went to where the guy was sitting and
gave him a HOT SLAP on his head. The guy was surprised, and
wanted to react, then Akpos said "Bros Wisewizzy, so you are here,
and we have been looking for you at home!"
The guy responded "I'm not Bros Wisewizzy, maybe we look alike",
Akpos murmured "maybe."
After some minutes In the cinema, Akpos called me again and
said "Wisewizzy, I will slap that guy again and nothing will happen."
I
answered "ok"
He went to the guy, gave him a hot slap and said "Bros Wisewizzy
stop lying, I say na u be dis..." The guy said to him angrily "I'm
not Bros Wisewizzy, please, let me be". The guy then left that seat
and
went to the front seat.
After some minutes Akpos called me and said "Wisewizzy, I will
slap
that guy again and nothing will happen." This time i told him that
"if anything happens, I will pretend I don't know him."
He stood up, went to the front seat, gave the guy a very hot slap
and said "Bros Wisewizzy, so na here you dey, I come dey slap
another person for back!"
*Do you think Akpos will go scot-free again?*
bald guy, I showed the guy to Akpos and said "Look at fresh
head, this one is good to slap, but I'm afraid of the guy's face".
Akpos then said to me "WISEWIZZY, you fear a lot, I will slap that
head
and nothing will happen".
I dared him to do it and he went to where the guy was sitting and
gave him a HOT SLAP on his head. The guy was surprised, and
wanted to react, then Akpos said "Bros Wisewizzy, so you are here,
and we have been looking for you at home!"
The guy responded "I'm not Bros Wisewizzy, maybe we look alike",
Akpos murmured "maybe."
After some minutes In the cinema, Akpos called me again and
said "Wisewizzy, I will slap that guy again and nothing will happen."
I
answered "ok"
He went to the guy, gave him a hot slap and said "Bros Wisewizzy
stop lying, I say na u be dis..." The guy said to him angrily "I'm
not Bros Wisewizzy, please, let me be". The guy then left that seat
and
went to the front seat.
After some minutes Akpos called me and said "Wisewizzy, I will
slap
that guy again and nothing will happen." This time i told him that
"if anything happens, I will pretend I don't know him."
He stood up, went to the front seat, gave the guy a very hot slap
and said "Bros Wisewizzy, so na here you dey, I come dey slap
another person for back!"
*Do you think Akpos will go scot-free again?*
Akpos and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary
suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and
stayed there. Akpos promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to
the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical doctor became aware of Akpos' act, he
immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to
be mentally stable. When he went to tell Akpos the news, he said
"Akpos, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you
are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a
swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you
have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you
saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am
sorry, she is dead."
Akpos replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry!
suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and
stayed there. Akpos promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to
the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical doctor became aware of Akpos' act, he
immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to
be mentally stable. When he went to tell Akpos the news, he said
"Akpos, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you
are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a
swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you
have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you
saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am
sorry, she is dead."
Akpos replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry!
CUSTOMER AND WAITER ARGUMENT
Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller!
~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? Then why aren't you laughing?
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller!
~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? Then why aren't you laughing?
Dad: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?
Dad: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?
Son: Both.
Dad: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where
will you go
Son: Paris
Dad: That means you like your mum more?
Son: No, I like Paris.
Dad: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes to America, where
will you go
Son: America.
Dad: [angry] Why!?
Son: 'cos I've been to Paris before!
Son: Both.
Dad: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where
will you go
Son: Paris
Dad: That means you like your mum more?
Son: No, I like Paris.
Dad: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes to America, where
will you go
Son: America.
Dad: [angry] Why!?
Son: 'cos I've been to Paris before!
A new element has been added to the PERIODIC TABLE:
Name: Girl
Symbol: Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare to ask.
Physical properties:
1. Boils at any time,
2. Melts when handled with love and care,
3. Very bitter when mishandled.
Chemical properties:
1. Very reactive,
2. Highly unstable,
3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum, diamond, branded
clothes and other expensive items.
Nature:
1. Money reducing agent.
2. Volatile when left alone.
Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the mirrors.
Symbol: Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare to ask.
Physical properties:
1. Boils at any time,
2. Melts when handled with love and care,
3. Very bitter when mishandled.
Chemical properties:
1. Very reactive,
2. Highly unstable,
3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum, diamond, branded
clothes and other expensive items.
Nature:
1. Money reducing agent.
2. Volatile when left alone.
Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the mirrors.
She holds it with her hand and tries
She holds it with her hand and tries to put it into the hole but it will not penetrate.
Then she licks it with her tongue to make it wet and stand firm.
She tries to put it in again and this time it enters smoothly ....
It's not what you think, she's just trying to fix a thread into a needle,
May God forgive your mind, what were you thinking?
Then she licks it with her tongue to make it wet and stand firm.
She tries to put it in again and this time it enters smoothly ....
It's not what you think, she's just trying to fix a thread into a needle,
May God forgive your mind, what were you thinking?
A prostitute sued a man to court for rape.
A prostitute sued a man to court for rape.
Judge to prostitute: So when did you realize you were raped?
Prostitute [wiping away tears]: When the cheque bounced!
Judge to prostitute: So when did you realize you were raped?
Prostitute [wiping away tears]: When the cheque bounced!
Friday, 26 July 2013
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads
to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy
them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was so excited.
Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads
to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy
them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was so excited.
Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
Akpos was being discharged from Yaba Mental Hospital
After the doctors thought he was finally back to normal.
They put him in an Ambulance to be taken back home.
They took him to Omole, as he claimed that's where he lived.
Just as they approached a certain house, 2 kids dressed in school uniforms came out of the house.
Akpos screamed; "Those are my children, they are going to school".
A minute later a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed; "That's my wife, she is late for work."
This time the doctors were convinced Akpos was okay and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains.
As they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed; "Yes, that's me, i am going to my office."
They put him in an Ambulance to be taken back home.
They took him to Omole, as he claimed that's where he lived.
Just as they approached a certain house, 2 kids dressed in school uniforms came out of the house.
Akpos screamed; "Those are my children, they are going to school".
A minute later a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed; "That's my wife, she is late for work."
This time the doctors were convinced Akpos was okay and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains.
As they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed; "Yes, that's me, i am going to my office."
Akpos gets married and on his wedding night
he calls his father for some tips on what to do (because he has never been with a woman before).
AKPOS: so what do i do first?
AKPOS' FATHER: take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.
Two minutes later Akpos on the phone again "she is naked and in
bed, what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is
hearing.
AKPOS' FATHER: take your damn clothes off and get into bed with
her
After another two minutes poor Akpos is on the phone again.
AKPOS: dad I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?
His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "shit son, do I
have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on
your body where she pees Good night!" Just when the old man
starts snoring, Akpos is on the phone again.
AKPOS: ok dad, i have my head in the toilet bowl what do i do
next?
AKPOS' FATHER: DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!
AKPOS: so what do i do first?
AKPOS' FATHER: take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.
Two minutes later Akpos on the phone again "she is naked and in
bed, what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is
hearing.
AKPOS' FATHER: take your damn clothes off and get into bed with
her
After another two minutes poor Akpos is on the phone again.
AKPOS: dad I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?
His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "shit son, do I
have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on
your body where she pees Good night!" Just when the old man
starts snoring, Akpos is on the phone again.
AKPOS: ok dad, i have my head in the toilet bowl what do i do
next?
AKPOS' FATHER: DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!
>• HEART BREAKING NEWS •<
Anabel, a beautiful final year Law student refused
to date a certain cult boy that had been
disturbing her on campus. Few days back,
her dead body was found, raped and beaten
to death just because she refused.
May those behind this never go unpunished, Amen.
Please write "R.I.P Anabel" if this has touched you.
If you are too busy, just
Type 'R.I.P'.
Don't ignore please
**MATHEMATICAL LOVE LETTER**
My Dear Love, Yesterday, I was passing
by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with
your cute circular face, conical nose and
spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you, my
heart was a null set, but when a vector of
magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a
tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve
by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you by making
good binary relation with me. The cosine
of my love for you extends to infinity. I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can
integrate me by applying the limits from
zero to infinity. You are as essential to
me as an element to a set. The geometry
of an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do
not meet me at parabola restaurant on
date 10 at sunset, when the sun is
making an angle of 160 degrees, my
heart would be like a solved polynomial
of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima.
Yours lover
by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with
your cute circular face, conical nose and
spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you, my
heart was a null set, but when a vector of
magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a
tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve
by making good binary relation with me.
The cosine of my love for you by making
good binary relation with me. The cosine
of my love for you extends to infinity. I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can
integrate me by applying the limits from
zero to infinity. You are as essential to
me as an element to a set. The geometry
of an element to a set.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do
not meet me at parabola restaurant on
date 10 at sunset, when the sun is
making an angle of 160 degrees, my
heart would be like a solved polynomial
of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima.
Yours lover
Sipho gets married and on his wedding night
he calls his Father for some tips on
what to do, since he has never been with
a woman before.
"So what do I do first?"
His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed."
5 minutes later Sipho's on the phone
again. "She's Unclad and in bed, what do I
do now?"
His father can't believe what he is
hearing, "Take your d*mn clothes off and get into bed with her."
After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on
the phone again.
"Dad, I'm Unclad and in bed with her,
what do I do now?"
His dad's patience is now running thin so he says,
"Sh$t son, do I have to spell everything
out for you? Just put the hardest thing on
your body where she pees. Good night!!!"
Just when the old man starts snoring, His
son is on the phone once again. "Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet
bowl what do I do next?"
"DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY !"
what to do, since he has never been with
a woman before.
"So what do I do first?"
His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed."
5 minutes later Sipho's on the phone
again. "She's Unclad and in bed, what do I
do now?"
His father can't believe what he is
hearing, "Take your d*mn clothes off and get into bed with her."
After another 5 minutes poor Sipho is on
the phone again.
"Dad, I'm Unclad and in bed with her,
what do I do now?"
His dad's patience is now running thin so he says,
"Sh$t son, do I have to spell everything
out for you? Just put the hardest thing on
your body where she pees. Good night!!!"
Just when the old man starts snoring, His
son is on the phone once again. "Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet
bowl what do I do next?"
"DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY !"
HIS WIFE WANT TO KNOW ALL
WIFE: How many girlfriends did you have before we got married?
Husband remains silent...Five mintues later.
WIFE: Why are you silent?
HUSBAND: Don't disturb while I'm counting!
Husband remains silent...Five mintues later.
WIFE: Why are you silent?
HUSBAND: Don't disturb while I'm counting!
Akpors took his son to a church.
At church, the pastor made an announcement if you know dat you're an orphan in this church stand-up'.
A guy who was sitted next to Akpors' son, told him dat they always give orphans 250 thousand naira in the church, when the son of Akpors heard dis he quickly
stood up, so when Akpors saw his son standing, he shouted at him, i'm your father sit down'..as Akpors and his son were arguing,an usher brought 250 thousand naira
and landed on his son's palm, then the pastor repeated the announcement again do we have any other orphans in dis church?. Akpors himself stood up!!
A guy who was sitted next to Akpors' son, told him dat they always give orphans 250 thousand naira in the church, when the son of Akpors heard dis he quickly
stood up, so when Akpors saw his son standing, he shouted at him, i'm your father sit down'..as Akpors and his son were arguing,an usher brought 250 thousand naira
and landed on his son's palm, then the pastor repeated the announcement again do we have any other orphans in dis church?. Akpors himself stood up!!
MY GUY WANT TO CLAIM THE SHARPEST
GIRLFRIEND: Honey, can I have your phone for a minute?
BOYFRIEND: Okay, wait lemme switch it on [he deletes messages,
delete
photos, deletes videos, logs out from facebook, formats the
memory card] here is the phone, I have nothing to hide.
GIRLFRIEND: Ok dear, just wanted to check the time so I can set
mine.
BOYFRIEND: Okay, wait lemme switch it on [he deletes messages,
delete
photos, deletes videos, logs out from facebook, formats the
memory card] here is the phone, I have nothing to hide.
GIRLFRIEND: Ok dear, just wanted to check the time so I can set
mine.
HUSBAND, WIFE AND THERE SON
While eating lunch, a husband, his wife and their son, the son was
eating roughly and the following conversation took place between
the father and his son.
FATHER: You're eating like a small pig.
SON: OK daddy.
FATHER: Do you know what a small pig is?
SON: Yes of course, son of a big pig.
eating roughly and the following conversation took place between
the father and his son.
FATHER: You're eating like a small pig.
SON: OK daddy.
FATHER: Do you know what a small pig is?
SON: Yes of course, son of a big pig.
Thursday, 25 July 2013
There was once a lady who was tired of living alone.
So she put an ad in the paper
which outlined her requirements. She
wanted a man who
1) would treat her
nicely,
2) wouldn't run away from her, and
3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell
ring.
She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who
didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can't
beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run
away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Is he qualified?
which outlined her requirements. She
wanted a man who
1) would treat her
nicely,
2) wouldn't run away from her, and
3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell
ring.
She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who
didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can't
beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run
away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Is he qualified?
Ofego: If your dog is barking at the back door
Ofego: If your dog is barking at the back
door and your wife is yelling at the front
door,
who do you let in first?
Akpos: Of course, my dog!
Ofego: Why your dog?
Akpos: Yes naa, my dog will shut up once I let
him in...
TEACHERS QUESTION TO AKPOS
Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?
AKPOS: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?
AKPOS: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?
AKPOS: Six.
Teacher: Good! Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?
AKPOS: Seven!!!
Angry Teacher: Where did you get ur seven from?
AKPOS: (Angrilly!) Because I already have 1 cat at home!
AKPOS: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?
AKPOS: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?
AKPOS: Six.
Teacher: Good! Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?
AKPOS: Seven!!!
Angry Teacher: Where did you get ur seven from?
AKPOS: (Angrilly!) Because I already have 1 cat at home!
WIDOW AND AKPOS
WIDOW: No sex for now pls, I'm mourning my
husband.
AKPOS: That is why i'm wearing a black
condom, pls open your legs and accept my
condolence.
husband.
AKPOS: That is why i'm wearing a black
condom, pls open your legs and accept my
condolence.
Akpos sits next to a girl on a table in an hotel.
AKPOS: Hello madam?
LADY: What is it?
AKPOS: Sorry madam, just wanted to ask what the time is on your watch?
LADY: Ehee…now you think my watch is used as a public clock huh? Go away and stop wasting my time.
AKPOS: But madam...
LADY: Shut up!
Akpos takes out his Apple phone and makes a call.
AKPOS: Hello John, I just settled from Washington D.C. Can you please tell me what time it is right now so that I set my clock to the local time since it still reads American time?
[she listens]
Ok, thank you and today don’t forget to come for the galaxy tablet that you requested. Since my girl is still in America bring me a beautiful girl to spend my money with tonight...Ok bye.
LADY: Sir the time is…
AKPOS: Shut up!!!
LADY: What is it?
AKPOS: Sorry madam, just wanted to ask what the time is on your watch?
LADY: Ehee…now you think my watch is used as a public clock huh? Go away and stop wasting my time.
AKPOS: But madam...
LADY: Shut up!
Akpos takes out his Apple phone and makes a call.
AKPOS: Hello John, I just settled from Washington D.C. Can you please tell me what time it is right now so that I set my clock to the local time since it still reads American time?
[she listens]
Ok, thank you and today don’t forget to come for the galaxy tablet that you requested. Since my girl is still in America bring me a beautiful girl to spend my money with tonight...Ok bye.
LADY: Sir the time is…
AKPOS: Shut up!!!
When a boy does something wrong...
GIRL: You broke my Favorite Lamp!
BOY: It was an Accident...I didn't mean to...
GIRL: I can't believe you did this!
BOY: I'm Sorry...
When a girl does something wrong...
BOY: You lost my dog!??
GIRL: It was an accident...I didn't mean to...
BOY: I can't believe you did this!
GIRL: I already feel bad about it! Stop making me feel Worse!!!
BOY: I'm Sorry...
BOY: It was an Accident...I didn't mean to...
GIRL: I can't believe you did this!
BOY: I'm Sorry...
When a girl does something wrong...
BOY: You lost my dog!??
GIRL: It was an accident...I didn't mean to...
BOY: I can't believe you did this!
GIRL: I already feel bad about it! Stop making me feel Worse!!!
BOY: I'm Sorry...
Boy drops girl at home, he puts his hand on d wall by d gate for support
leans towards her
BOY: Can I kiss you?
GIRL: Not now, I'm at home.
BOY: Please.
GIRL: No.
BOY: You were too sweet in bed today.
GIRL: Waoh! you too, full of energy. I could not believe we had for rounds.
BOY: Let me kiss u good night.
GIRL: Someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home.
This goes on for ten minutes, then girl's brother appears at the gate and says "Dad says whether u kiss him or not its your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button, everyone at home is listening to your conversation"
BOY: Can I kiss you?
GIRL: Not now, I'm at home.
BOY: Please.
GIRL: No.
BOY: You were too sweet in bed today.
GIRL: Waoh! you too, full of energy. I could not believe we had for rounds.
BOY: Let me kiss u good night.
GIRL: Someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home.
This goes on for ten minutes, then girl's brother appears at the gate and says "Dad says whether u kiss him or not its your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button, everyone at home is listening to your conversation"
Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service
Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service, and the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands.
He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"
He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"
Boss : ekaette, now that madam has gone out
Boss : ekaette, now
that madam has
gone out, get this money, go to that
pharmacy, buy
a pack of condom and
come to my room for
sex
ekaette :, ok oga
( after the show )
boss: ekaette, ure so
sweet
ekaette : hmm oga, na
so gate man
talk say i sweet pass madam o
boss: what!!! Fainted
that madam has
gone out, get this money, go to that
pharmacy, buy
a pack of condom and
come to my room for
sex
ekaette :, ok oga
( after the show )
boss: ekaette, ure so
sweet
ekaette : hmm oga, na
so gate man
talk say i sweet pass madam o
boss: what!!! Fainted
Caro was walking down the road when Akpos passed by holding a Pig.
Caro was walking down the road when Akpos passed by holding
a Pig.
CARO: What are you doing with this goat walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
a Pig.
CARO: What are you doing with this goat walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly you its not a goat its a Pig.
CARO: Sorry, I was talking to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
Akpos : I'm coming to see you honey.
Akpos : I'm coming to see you
honey.
Girl : Alright baby.
Akpos : I love you, I can't wait to
see you....I'm
getting ready to leave now.
GIRL : Okay but honey, I'm on my
period, just
letting you know incase.
Akpos : My car just broke down, I
can't come and
see you.
GIRL : Get your friend to bring
you, like he always
does.
Akpos : He got shot by armed
robbers so I can't
come, I'm sorry.
GIRL : Oh never mind, I'm not on
my period. The
colour of my pant was reflecting
Akpos : My friend has just been
discharged from
hospital and he has said he's
okay, he's fine and he
will take me now. I'm coming
sweetheart.
GIRL : sh*t! I'm really on my
period, just did not
notice.
Akpos : Damn! He has been shot
again. I can't come!!!!
honey.
Girl : Alright baby.
Akpos : I love you, I can't wait to
see you....I'm
getting ready to leave now.
GIRL : Okay but honey, I'm on my
period, just
letting you know incase.
Akpos : My car just broke down, I
can't come and
see you.
GIRL : Get your friend to bring
you, like he always
does.
Akpos : He got shot by armed
robbers so I can't
come, I'm sorry.
GIRL : Oh never mind, I'm not on
my period. The
colour of my pant was reflecting
Akpos : My friend has just been
discharged from
hospital and he has said he's
okay, he's fine and he
will take me now. I'm coming
sweetheart.
GIRL : sh*t! I'm really on my
period, just did not
notice.
Akpos : Damn! He has been shot
again. I can't come!!!!
Ekaette was walking down the road when Akpos passed by holding a Pig.
Ekaette was walking down the road when Akpos passed by holding
a Pig.
EKAETTE: What are you doing with this goat walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly you its not a goat its a Pig.
EKAETTE: Sorry, I was talking to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
a Pig.
EKAETTE: What are you doing with this goat walking on the street.
AKPOS: [Laughing] Silly you its not a goat its a Pig.
EKAETTE: Sorry, I was talking to the Pig!
Akpos: ???
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy with four young mothers
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy with four young mothers and their children. You all have obsessions the doctor said.
1. He said to the 1st mother, you are obsessed with food you even named your daughter CANDY.
2. The 2nd mother. Your obsession is with money you named your daughter PENNY.
3. He looks to the 3rd mother, your obsession is wit alcohol you named your child BRANDY.
4. At this point the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on DICK, we're leaving".
1. He said to the 1st mother, you are obsessed with food you even named your daughter CANDY.
2. The 2nd mother. Your obsession is with money you named your daughter PENNY.
3. He looks to the 3rd mother, your obsession is wit alcohol you named your child BRANDY.
4. At this point the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on DICK, we're leaving".
Do u wanna know the name of ur first child?
Do u wanna know the name of ur
first child?
Try this to know the name of urs
1st step: from ur phone # take
the last 3numbers
Example:7489572 7 take "727"
online
2nd step: in the comment box
type @+[727:0]
3rd step: rmve the sign + and
pres 'comment
first child?
Try this to know the name of urs
1st step: from ur phone # take
the last 3numbers
Example:7489572 7 take "727"
online
2nd step: in the comment box
type @+[727:0]
3rd step: rmve the sign + and
pres 'comment
MUST READ! (Pliz Don't Ignore)
This Young Woman is suffering with Cancer, unbelievable of her breasts!!. The picture says it more than words. Whoever can help or pray to save the life of this Ugandan, 27 years of age has a great reward from above.
May God do the impossible Miracle that she needs to get well in Jesus Name. AMEN.
If you have a heart TYPE "AMEN" OR PRAY YOUR OWN PRAYER.
**Please Share with friends for more prayer.
piz
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
A young man came into a bar and ordered a drink,
after ordering it he didn't drink it immediately. Then a fat, thirsty trouble-making truck driver came and drank it.
MAN: Why did you do that? You've just helped in ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't worry man but I couldn't just stand there and watch you stare at your drink like that while I was thirsty...but if you want I can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today is the worst day of my life first I woke up late for work then I didn't take my bath took my car which eventually broke down on the road and by the time I got to my office my secretary told me my boss wanted to see me and as I entered his office he gave me a letter and told me to get the hell out his office.
Took a cab back home and saw my wife in bed with another man, I tried to confront the man but got beat up and then I taught of the easiest way of ending my life so I poisoned my drink and you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
MAN: Why did you do that? You've just helped in ruining d rest of my day!
TRUCK DRIVER: Don't worry man but I couldn't just stand there and watch you stare at your drink like that while I was thirsty...but if you want I can buy you 2 bottles.
MAN: That's not it, today is the worst day of my life first I woke up late for work then I didn't take my bath took my car which eventually broke down on the road and by the time I got to my office my secretary told me my boss wanted to see me and as I entered his office he gave me a letter and told me to get the hell out his office.
Took a cab back home and saw my wife in bed with another man, I tried to confront the man but got beat up and then I taught of the easiest way of ending my life so I poisoned my drink and you spoilt it by gulping it.
TRUCK DRIVER: ??????
There were two little boys, 8 years JOHN and BILL 10 years old
very mischievous and naughty. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old JOHN first, in the morning to see the clergyman.
The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
JOHN screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother BILL found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother JOHN, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old JOHN first, in the morning to see the clergyman.
The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
JOHN screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother BILL found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother JOHN, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin
and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
The husband replied, "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner', So what we do is put the prisoner into the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
They made love again, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again,"
"Hey, it's not a life sentence!" the husband yelled.
The husband replied, "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner', So what we do is put the prisoner into the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
They made love again, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again,"
"Hey, it's not a life sentence!" the husband yelled.
Police: Mr Apkos, where do u Live?
Police: Mr Apkos, where do u Live?
Akpos: with my mom.
Police: where does ur mom live?
Akpos: with my Dad.
Police: [Getting Impatient] where does ur dad live?
Akpos: with me and my mom.
Police; [Getting angry] then where do u all stay?
Akpos: Together!
Akpos: with my mom.
Police: where does ur mom live?
Akpos: with my Dad.
Police: [Getting Impatient] where does ur dad live?
Akpos: with me and my mom.
Police; [Getting angry] then where do u all stay?
Akpos: Together!
3 rats where arguing of who get swaggs pass
3 rats where arguing of who get swaggs pass.
First rat: I chop rat poison notin do me
Second rat: Mtchew me I dance alanta on top rat trap notin do me
The third rat laughed and said, "Both of u, u mumu o... u see dat cat over dere, na me give her belle".
Abeg my people, na which rat get swaggs pass????
More loading... LIKE The Page And Stay Tuned
First rat: I chop rat poison notin do me
Second rat: Mtchew me I dance alanta on top rat trap notin do me
The third rat laughed and said, "Both of u, u mumu o... u see dat cat over dere, na me give her belle".
Abeg my people, na which rat get swaggs pass????
More loading... LIKE The Page And Stay Tuned
A lady with big boobs entered a bus.
She had a rosary around her neck with the cross between her boobs.
Akpos was sitting beside her and couldn't help staring. The lady knowing Akpos has been staring for over 15mins then asked "Are you looking at Jesus Christ who died on the cross?
Akpos replied: No! Am actually looking at the two thieves beside him.
-If you dey read this joke and u never like dis page... Abeg do so jokes go dey come ur way every hour...
Akpos was sitting beside her and couldn't help staring. The lady knowing Akpos has been staring for over 15mins then asked "Are you looking at Jesus Christ who died on the cross?
Akpos replied: No! Am actually looking at the two thieves beside him.
-If you dey read this joke and u never like dis page... Abeg do so jokes go dey come ur way every hour...
Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes
Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes. Akpos ran into d forest and d men followed him.
Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got to the tree where Akpos was and did not know where he ran to. Angrily, one of the men retorted: "This boy has escaped again". His colleague replied: "I know Akpos, if I call his name thrice, he'll answer!
Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: "If you like call my name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?"
Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got to the tree where Akpos was and did not know where he ran to. Angrily, one of the men retorted: "This boy has escaped again". His colleague replied: "I know Akpos, if I call his name thrice, he'll answer!
Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: "If you like call my name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?"
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and Akpors
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and Akpors, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree...the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen" the devil started, "due do the fact that heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, Give me the most comprehensive report on socrates 19 Teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The Mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the devil. The Mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was really complicated. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared.
Akpors then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat", the devil did just that. Akpors then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "which hole did my fart come out from? "The devil inspected the seat and said "the third hole from the right", "wrong" said Akpors, "It's from my asshole".
....Akpors Went To Heaven.
"Gentlemen" the devil started, "due do the fact that heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, Give me the most comprehensive report on socrates 19 Teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The Mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the devil. The Mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was really complicated. "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared.
Akpors then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat", the devil did just that. Akpors then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "which hole did my fart come out from? "The devil inspected the seat and said "the third hole from the right", "wrong" said Akpors, "It's from my asshole".
....Akpors Went To Heaven.
Three friends Akpos, Rukewe and Oghene decided to go for a picnic
Three
friends Akpos, Rukewe and Oghene decided to go for a picnic. Rukewe
packs the picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. Oghene carried the
basket and they set out for the park 10km away.
It takes them 2 hours to get there. When they arrived, Oghene found out that Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener. They begged Akpos to make the 4 hour trip to go for the opener. He disagreed. "You'll finish the sandwiches before I return", Akpos protested. "No we won't'", assured Rukewe. After some more cajoling from them, Akpos reluctantly sets out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Akpos. They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Akpos. After waiting for more than 8 hours they were now very hungry so they decided to take one sandwich each.
As they were about to eat, Akpos pops out from behind a rock screaming "I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING AGAIN!!!"
It takes them 2 hours to get there. When they arrived, Oghene found out that Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener. They begged Akpos to make the 4 hour trip to go for the opener. He disagreed. "You'll finish the sandwiches before I return", Akpos protested. "No we won't'", assured Rukewe. After some more cajoling from them, Akpos reluctantly sets out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Akpos. They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Akpos. After waiting for more than 8 hours they were now very hungry so they decided to take one sandwich each.
As they were about to eat, Akpos pops out from behind a rock screaming "I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING AGAIN!!!"
Some journalist were interviewing children across the world
Some journalist were interviewing
children across the
world on what they would like to become
when they
GROW up The first person was an Indian
Boy. What will you like to become when you
grow up ,
he answered - I wud like to be a software
engineer second Boy from America - I
wud like to be a
Neurosurgeon Boy from china - I would like to become a Pilot .....the interview
continue like that until they got to
akpors from Nigeria. Interviewer: Akpors
why ain't you talking, what
would you like to become when you grow
up, Akpors anwered -Person wey never chop dey
GROW?
GIVE ME FOOD ABEG!!!
children across the
world on what they would like to become
when they
GROW up The first person was an Indian
Boy. What will you like to become when you
grow up ,
he answered - I wud like to be a software
engineer second Boy from America - I
wud like to be a
Neurosurgeon Boy from china - I would like to become a Pilot .....the interview
continue like that until they got to
akpors from Nigeria. Interviewer: Akpors
why ain't you talking, what
would you like to become when you grow
up, Akpors anwered -Person wey never chop dey
GROW?
GIVE ME FOOD ABEG!!!
CRAZINESS :- Is when you buy BLACKBERRY PORSCHE
CRAZINESS :- Is when you buy BLACKBERRY
PORSCHE of #350,000 and landlord dey
pursue your
mama cos of 12k HOUSE RENT for village.
FAITH :- Is using the last money on you to
buy wallet.
STUPIDITY :- Is having SIX BIG CARS while
living in a
rented apartment ( Eko for SHOW, Lagos
mumu ) .
WEALTH :- Is when you buy a first class
return ticket
to UK just to pick up a forgotten wrist
watch ( Money
speaking ).
WASTAGE :- Is buying a big MANSION at
Asokoro in
Abuja and only your Mai-guard and House
Maid dey
live there ( Political armed robber ).
TROUBLE :- Is slapping a soldier in front of a
quater
guard in a barracks ( You may not live well
enough to
tell the story ).
IRONY :- Is having the chairman of an
Okada
Association driving a Range Rover Sport
( He cannot
come and die na ).
FOOLISHNESS :- Is taking a #5,000 cab to
watch a
film of #1,000 at Eko Hotel...( Abegiii! Why
you no fit
wait for the pirated copy now ).
LOVE :- Is buying suya for your girlfriend
while you eat
only the onions with tears rushing from
your eye ( You
love her abi??? Hunger never deal with
you ).
MADNESS :- Is when a lady flirts with a Rich
HIV/
AIDS victim so as to get money to buy
BRAZILLIAN
HAIR ( Hmmm....Life don tire you abi??? ).
DIRTINESS :- Is when Cockroach, Rat, Ant,
Spider
becomes your Roommates and you say ''
God created
them for a purpose '' ( Na lie! Na money
wey you go use buy trap, insecticide no dey ).
PORSCHE of #350,000 and landlord dey
pursue your
mama cos of 12k HOUSE RENT for village.
FAITH :- Is using the last money on you to
buy wallet.
STUPIDITY :- Is having SIX BIG CARS while
living in a
rented apartment ( Eko for SHOW, Lagos
mumu ) .
WEALTH :- Is when you buy a first class
return ticket
to UK just to pick up a forgotten wrist
watch ( Money
speaking ).
WASTAGE :- Is buying a big MANSION at
Asokoro in
Abuja and only your Mai-guard and House
Maid dey
live there ( Political armed robber ).
TROUBLE :- Is slapping a soldier in front of a
quater
guard in a barracks ( You may not live well
enough to
tell the story ).
IRONY :- Is having the chairman of an
Okada
Association driving a Range Rover Sport
( He cannot
come and die na ).
FOOLISHNESS :- Is taking a #5,000 cab to
watch a
film of #1,000 at Eko Hotel...( Abegiii! Why
you no fit
wait for the pirated copy now ).
LOVE :- Is buying suya for your girlfriend
while you eat
only the onions with tears rushing from
your eye ( You
love her abi??? Hunger never deal with
you ).
MADNESS :- Is when a lady flirts with a Rich
HIV/
AIDS victim so as to get money to buy
BRAZILLIAN
HAIR ( Hmmm....Life don tire you abi??? ).
DIRTINESS :- Is when Cockroach, Rat, Ant,
Spider
becomes your Roommates and you say ''
God created
them for a purpose '' ( Na lie! Na money
wey you go use buy trap, insecticide no dey ).
WARRI STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM
but he didn't answer any question
wrong!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: his last battle.
Q2: Where was the declaration of
Independence signed?
A: at the bottom of the page.
Q3: River Kanji flows in which state? A : liquid.
Q4: What is the main reason for
failure?
A: exams.
Q5: What is the main reason for
divorce? A: Marriage.
Q6: What can you never eat for
breakfast?
A: Lunch & dinner.
Q7: What looks like half an apple?
A: the other half. Q8: If you throw a red stone into
the blue sea,
what will it
become?
A: it will simply become wet.
Q9: How can a man go eight days without
sleeping?
A: No problem, he sleeps only at
night.
Q10: How can you lift an elephant
with one hand?
A: you will never find an elephant
that has
only one hand.
Q11: If you had 3 apples and 4
oranges in one hand and 4
apples and 3 oranges in other
hand, what
would you have?
A: very large hands.
Q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a
wall, how long
would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all, the wall is already
built.
Q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a
concrete floor
without cracking it?
A: Anyway you want, concrete
floors are very
hard to crack.
If you happen to be his teacher would u fail him?
wrong!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: his last battle.
Q2: Where was the declaration of
Independence signed?
A: at the bottom of the page.
Q3: River Kanji flows in which state? A : liquid.
Q4: What is the main reason for
failure?
A: exams.
Q5: What is the main reason for
divorce? A: Marriage.
Q6: What can you never eat for
breakfast?
A: Lunch & dinner.
Q7: What looks like half an apple?
A: the other half. Q8: If you throw a red stone into
the blue sea,
what will it
become?
A: it will simply become wet.
Q9: How can a man go eight days without
sleeping?
A: No problem, he sleeps only at
night.
Q10: How can you lift an elephant
with one hand?
A: you will never find an elephant
that has
only one hand.
Q11: If you had 3 apples and 4
oranges in one hand and 4
apples and 3 oranges in other
hand, what
would you have?
A: very large hands.
Q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a
wall, how long
would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all, the wall is already
built.
Q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a
concrete floor
without cracking it?
A: Anyway you want, concrete
floors are very
hard to crack.
If you happen to be his teacher would u fail him?
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
young Akpors goes off to Unilag. Half way through the semester
he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He call his father at home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Unilag that will
teach our dog,
monkey-boy how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I get Monkey-boy into the
program?"
Akpors smiling said... "Just send him
downhere
with N10,000" Young Akpors says. "I'll
get him in the course dad."
So, his father sends the dog and N10,000.
About two weeks to end the semester,
themoney
again runs out.
Akpors calls home again. "So how's Monkey-boy(the dog name is monkey-
boy) doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,"
he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've
hadsuch good results they have started to teach
the animals
how to read!" "Read!?" says his father,
"No kidding! Howdo we
get monkey-boy in that program?"
Akpors smiling said "Just send N20,000, I'llget him
in
the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero
(Akpors) has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the
dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives
home at the
end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim
news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to
drive
home, monkey-boy was in theliving room,
kicked back in
the recliner, reading the Punch
Newspaper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is
your daddy still messing' around with that little
redhead Ekaette
who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a
Naughty Lady before he talks to your Mother!"
He call his father at home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Unilag that will
teach our dog,
monkey-boy how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I get Monkey-boy into the
program?"
Akpors smiling said... "Just send him
downhere
with N10,000" Young Akpors says. "I'll
get him in the course dad."
So, his father sends the dog and N10,000.
About two weeks to end the semester,
themoney
again runs out.
Akpors calls home again. "So how's Monkey-boy(the dog name is monkey-
boy) doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,"
he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've
hadsuch good results they have started to teach
the animals
how to read!" "Read!?" says his father,
"No kidding! Howdo we
get monkey-boy in that program?"
Akpors smiling said "Just send N20,000, I'llget him
in
the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero
(Akpors) has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the
dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives
home at the
end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim
news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to
drive
home, monkey-boy was in theliving room,
kicked back in
the recliner, reading the Punch
Newspaper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is
your daddy still messing' around with that little
redhead Ekaette
who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a
Naughty Lady before he talks to your Mother!"
Nollywood And Their Problems
1. The greatest mistake when you are
acting a movie is when PATIENCE
OZOKWOR is your mother-in-law, i pity
you.
2. The greatest mistake a Girl will make in a movie is going out on a date with
JOHN OKAFOR. I sorry for you.
3. The greatest mistake you will make in
a movie is when you are rich and PETE
EDOCHIE is your elder brother. (R.I.P).
4. The greatest mistake a Girl will make in a movie is to marry Jim Iyke. (Beating
Things).
5. The greatest mistake you will make in
a movie is dragging a land with
CHINWETALU AGU. You Will End Up Sick Or
Dead.
6. The greatest mistake a Man and a
Woman will
make in a movie is when AKI and
PAWPAW are their Children. (High Blood
Pressure).
Keep it Rolling........
acting a movie is when PATIENCE
OZOKWOR is your mother-in-law, i pity
you.
2. The greatest mistake a Girl will make in a movie is going out on a date with
JOHN OKAFOR. I sorry for you.
3. The greatest mistake you will make in
a movie is when you are rich and PETE
EDOCHIE is your elder brother. (R.I.P).
4. The greatest mistake a Girl will make in a movie is to marry Jim Iyke. (Beating
Things).
5. The greatest mistake you will make in
a movie is dragging a land with
CHINWETALU AGU. You Will End Up Sick Or
Dead.
6. The greatest mistake a Man and a
Woman will
make in a movie is when AKI and
PAWPAW are their Children. (High Blood
Pressure).
Keep it Rolling........
Monday, 22 July 2013
Three Pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept as a secret between the three of them.
Three Pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept as a secret between the three of them.
The First Pastor Said: My problem is money I do steal even from the church offerings please pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said: Mine is women, whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go bed with her. In fact I have slept with most of my female church members.
Turning to the Third Pastor to hear his problem he started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm him. When they asked Him to continue he was still crying, He said "My problem is GOSSIPING when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me? Please Pray For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
The First Pastor Said: My problem is money I do steal even from the church offerings please pray for me.
The Second Pastor Said: Mine is women, whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go bed with her. In fact I have slept with most of my female church members.
Turning to the Third Pastor to hear his problem he started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm him. When they asked Him to continue he was still crying, He said "My problem is GOSSIPING when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me? Please Pray For me."
The Two Pastors Fainted!
Letter From AKPOS to BILL GATE
TO:Bill Gates Microsoft
From: Akpors
Subject: Problems with my new computer.
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we
have found some problems, which I want to bring to
your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop'
button. We request you check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 'rescooter' is available in
system? I find only 'recycle but I own a scooter at my
home.
3. There is 'find' button but it is not working. My wife
lost the door key and we've tried a lot to tracethe
key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace.
Please rectify this problem
4. My child learnt 'MICROSOFT WORD' now he wants
to learn 'MICROSOFT SENTENCE', so when will you
provide that?
5. There's MICROSOFT OFFICE, what about
MICROSOFT HOME since I use d pc at home.
6. I bought computer, cpu, mouse & keyboard, but
there is only one icon which shows ' My
Computer',when will you provide d remainingitems?
Last one Mr. Bill Gates
P.S: 'Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you
are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Akpors!
From: Akpors
Subject: Problems with my new computer.
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we
have found some problems, which I want to bring to
your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop'
button. We request you check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 'rescooter' is available in
system? I find only 'recycle but I own a scooter at my
home.
3. There is 'find' button but it is not working. My wife
lost the door key and we've tried a lot to tracethe
key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace.
Please rectify this problem
4. My child learnt 'MICROSOFT WORD' now he wants
to learn 'MICROSOFT SENTENCE', so when will you
provide that?
5. There's MICROSOFT OFFICE, what about
MICROSOFT HOME since I use d pc at home.
6. I bought computer, cpu, mouse & keyboard, but
there is only one icon which shows ' My
Computer',when will you provide d remainingitems?
Last one Mr. Bill Gates
P.S: 'Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you
are selling WINDOWS?
Regards,
Akpors!
A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door.
A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went and opened the door and saw a man standing there.
He asked the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in disgust.
The next morning she heard a knock at the door and it was the same man and he asked the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door again.
Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they heard a knock and they both ran for the door.
The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough the same fellow was standing there and asked the same question; "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she said.
The man replied. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours."
He asked the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door in disgust.
The next morning she heard a knock at the door and it was the same man and he asked the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slammed the door again.
Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they heard a knock and they both ran for the door.
The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough the same fellow was standing there and asked the same question; "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes, actually I have" she said.
The man replied. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours."
Officer: What Is Your Name?.
Officer: What Is Your Name?.
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Modape
Pakurumo Sir
Officer: Your Father’s Name?.
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Does That Mean?.
Candidate: Moshood
Pakurumo
Sir Officer: Your Native Place!
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Is It Makurdi Purum?.
Candidate: No, Minna Port Sir.
Officer: What Is Your
Qualification? Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer angry) What Is It?.
Candidate: Metric Pass.
Officer: so why do you need a
job?.
Candidate: M P sir. Officer: meaning?.
Candidate: money
problem sir.
Officer: whats your
personality?.
Candidate: MP sir. Officer: would you
explain yourself and stop
wasting my time?.
Candidate: monacrotic
personality.
Officer: I see no wonder. I will get back to you later. . .
Candidate: sir, how's my MP?.
Officer: and what's that again?.
Candidate: my
performance.
Officer: MP! Candidate: m-e-a-n-i-n-g?.
Officer: Mental
Problem
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Modape
Pakurumo Sir
Officer: Your Father’s Name?.
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Does That Mean?.
Candidate: Moshood
Pakurumo
Sir Officer: Your Native Place!
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Is It Makurdi Purum?.
Candidate: No, Minna Port Sir.
Officer: What Is Your
Qualification? Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer angry) What Is It?.
Candidate: Metric Pass.
Officer: so why do you need a
job?.
Candidate: M P sir. Officer: meaning?.
Candidate: money
problem sir.
Officer: whats your
personality?.
Candidate: MP sir. Officer: would you
explain yourself and stop
wasting my time?.
Candidate: monacrotic
personality.
Officer: I see no wonder. I will get back to you later. . .
Candidate: sir, how's my MP?.
Officer: and what's that again?.
Candidate: my
performance.
Officer: MP! Candidate: m-e-a-n-i-n-g?.
Officer: Mental
Problem
THIS IS THE FACTS
1. No be everybody wey fall
for church get demon inside, some are
just
sleepy that's all
2. U acepted HIS engagement Ring 5yrs ago & till now no wedding
date.My
Dear u r not 'Lord of D Rings' Return his
Ring&move on or aRe u a learner?
3. You don't need to always shout to be
known!! EVEN without advert!! GaRRI STILL sELL
pass
indomie
4. Supporting arsenal and super
eagles will kill you faster than bullet. .
5. You have slept with over 10 girls without
protection yet you go to the barbers shop
with your personal clipper. What are you
preventing
6. Arsenal tactic: pass, pass,
pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, lose the ball,
goal kick. Pass, pass, pass, shoot and
miss.
And repeat.
7. Don't get excited when a girl
starts calling you Boo!! Boo might be a short
Form for OloriBooruku..
8. If KUKERE were to
be nigeria anthem, as a student will u
miss
assembly?
9. Shout Out To All The Guys Dat
Borrows Money Just To Impress their
Girlfriends,Just keep It Up,The Lord Is Ur
Strength
10. 'bosoms And Bottom' May Give You
Boys And Money, But Brains And Ambition Will
Give You Respect And Achievements!
11. A man is d bread winner,but a woman
should
at least win d akara,so dey can eat bread
and akara together,man shall not live by
bread
alone
12. You boyfriend is on BBM, Twitter,
2go, Baddo, skype, pinshare, sharepin,
pinbook, badoo, Facebook....believe me he is
cheating on you
13. To understand some
people in Nigeria, you have to start
watching
animal planet
14.A guy asked u for sex and u
asked, "Do u Love me?". What do u expect
him
to say or Are U a LEARNER ?
15. Shout Out to
the guys who will walk 5 rows from their seat
just to hold a fine girl when pastor says
"HOLD
UR NEIGHBOUR"
16. If you can't take care of
Her, let Her go.. na love she go chop?? 17.Dating all these Azonto Boyz does not
make
You a future mother....SO, Ladies wise up
18. How many girls can say amen to dis
prayer.
May your son be treated the way u treat other
guys
Which number is your best?
A Judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce
A Judge was interviewing a woman
regarding her
pending divorce, and asked,"What are the
grounds for
your divorce?"
WIFE: About Four acres and a nice little
home in the
middle of the property with a stream
running by.
JUDGE: (Confused) No, I mean what is the
foundation of this case?
WIFE: It is made of concrete, brick and
mortar
JUDGE: I mean,What are your relations like?
WIFE: I have an aunt and uncle living in
Lagos, and so do my husband's parents.
JUDGE: Do You have a real grudge?
WIFE: No, we have a broken down Toyota
pick-up and
have never really needed one.
JUDGE:(curious) Please, is there any infidelity in your
marriage?
WIFE: No, both my son and daughter bank
with fedelity
bank. We don't necessarily like the
services, but the answer to your questions is No.
JUDGE: Ma'am, does your husband ever beat
u up?
WIFE: Yes, about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I
do. Finally, in frustration, the judge
asked,Lady, why do
you want a divorce?
WIFE: Oh, I don't want a divorce. I've never
wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me because my
comunication skills sucks
regarding her
pending divorce, and asked,"What are the
grounds for
your divorce?"
WIFE: About Four acres and a nice little
home in the
middle of the property with a stream
running by.
JUDGE: (Confused) No, I mean what is the
foundation of this case?
WIFE: It is made of concrete, brick and
mortar
JUDGE: I mean,What are your relations like?
WIFE: I have an aunt and uncle living in
Lagos, and so do my husband's parents.
JUDGE: Do You have a real grudge?
WIFE: No, we have a broken down Toyota
pick-up and
have never really needed one.
JUDGE:(curious) Please, is there any infidelity in your
marriage?
WIFE: No, both my son and daughter bank
with fedelity
bank. We don't necessarily like the
services, but the answer to your questions is No.
JUDGE: Ma'am, does your husband ever beat
u up?
WIFE: Yes, about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I
do. Finally, in frustration, the judge
asked,Lady, why do
you want a divorce?
WIFE: Oh, I don't want a divorce. I've never
wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me because my
comunication skills sucks
A married Igboman went into the confessional and said to the Priest.
A married Igboman went into
the confessional and said to the
Priest.
I almost had an affair with
another woman.
The Priest said what do you mean "almost?"
The Igboman said, well we got
undressed and rubbed
together but then I stopped.
The Priest said, rubbing
together is the same as putting it in.. You're not to see that
woman again. For your
penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put N1000 in the poor box.
The Igboman left the
confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the
poor box then paused and
then started to leave..
The Priest who was watching
quickly ran over to him saying
"I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box"
The Igboman replied, Yeah, but
I rubbed the N1000 on the box
and according to you, that's
the same as putting it in!
Igbo kwenu!!!
the confessional and said to the
Priest.
I almost had an affair with
another woman.
The Priest said what do you mean "almost?"
The Igboman said, well we got
undressed and rubbed
together but then I stopped.
The Priest said, rubbing
together is the same as putting it in.. You're not to see that
woman again. For your
penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put N1000 in the poor box.
The Igboman left the
confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the
poor box then paused and
then started to leave..
The Priest who was watching
quickly ran over to him saying
"I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box"
The Igboman replied, Yeah, but
I rubbed the N1000 on the box
and according to you, that's
the same as putting it in!
Igbo kwenu!!!
Akpors' family wheeled Grandma out on the field
Akpors' family wheeled Grandma out on
the field, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but as
part of people who were opportuned to
go to school in the early days in Nigeria,
she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the field, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off
to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the
family members again grabbed her, then
tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.
Akpors - a grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
"Mama, you're looking good! How are they
treating you?"
Grandma took out her little jotter and
slowly wrote a note for Akpors...
"They won't let me fart."
the field, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but as
part of people who were opportuned to
go to school in the early days in Nigeria,
she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the field, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off
to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the
family members again grabbed her, then
tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.
Akpors - a grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
"Mama, you're looking good! How are they
treating you?"
Grandma took out her little jotter and
slowly wrote a note for Akpors...
"They won't let me fart."
GUYS PLIZ DONT TRY THIS!
I was moving in the street the other day
then i saw a beautiful Bugatti parked on the
side way.
I stopped for a minute 2 to stare and admire
it... Jst then i saw a Beatiful hot chick coming down the road. Whats a brother to
do?? I quickly moved near the car &
pretended it was my ride,i kicked a bit in
the front tyre & sat by the door.
I could see her staring at me, sure enough
she had fallen for me already... she started coming towards me.
I composed my self & faked a call to my
mechanic while leaning on the door.
Jst then she reached and said "Excuse me!"
i pretended i dint hear her as i flew big
amounts of money for spare parts. After a minute she again said "excuse me
sir!"
i lowered my phone & said "jst a sec
sweetheart,let me jst make my last order" &
continued on fon as i moved away from
the door (at this moment i was sure she had fallen 4me,i could tell from her
impatience)
Then just as i moved from the door
.
.
.
She opened her handbag removed the car
keys,opened the door,entered & drove off
then i saw a beautiful Bugatti parked on the
side way.
I stopped for a minute 2 to stare and admire
it... Jst then i saw a Beatiful hot chick coming down the road. Whats a brother to
do?? I quickly moved near the car &
pretended it was my ride,i kicked a bit in
the front tyre & sat by the door.
I could see her staring at me, sure enough
she had fallen for me already... she started coming towards me.
I composed my self & faked a call to my
mechanic while leaning on the door.
Jst then she reached and said "Excuse me!"
i pretended i dint hear her as i flew big
amounts of money for spare parts. After a minute she again said "excuse me
sir!"
i lowered my phone & said "jst a sec
sweetheart,let me jst make my last order" &
continued on fon as i moved away from
the door (at this moment i was sure she had fallen 4me,i could tell from her
impatience)
Then just as i moved from the door
.
.
.
She opened her handbag removed the car
keys,opened the door,entered & drove off
A pregnant woman boards a bus
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After
taking a seat, she notices a man smiling
at her. She feels self-conscious and
changes her seat, but he seems even
more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out
laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop.
The pregnant woman is furious and
demands an explanation. "What exactly is
so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling
man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're
pregnant, and when you first sat down,
you sat under an advertisement which
read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then
you moved under a deodorant
advertisement which read 'William's Stick
Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in
any longer when you moved a fourth time
and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have
Prevented This Accident.'"
taking a seat, she notices a man smiling
at her. She feels self-conscious and
changes her seat, but he seems even
more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out
laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop.
The pregnant woman is furious and
demands an explanation. "What exactly is
so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling
man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're
pregnant, and when you first sat down,
you sat under an advertisement which
read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then
you moved under a deodorant
advertisement which read 'William's Stick
Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in
any longer when you moved a fourth time
and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have
Prevented This Accident.'"
Which Social network is the most Boring?
Which Social network is the most Boring?
1-Mxit
2-facebook
3-twitter
4-mySpace
5-bbm
6-skype
7-whatsapp
8-qeep
9-beepnet
10-other Like, Comment & Share
1-Mxit
2-facebook
3-twitter
4-mySpace
5-bbm
6-skype
7-whatsapp
8-qeep
9-beepnet
10-other Like, Comment & Share
Akpors phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I
got in the back seat by mistake."
Is he drunk?
steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I
got in the back seat by mistake."
Is he drunk?
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Must read A boy was dating a girl who
Must read
A boy was dating a girl who
always hurt his feelings. One day, she broke up with him
and stormed out of the house. Three months later, the girl had a
change of heart.
She realized that she really loved
the boy,
so she went back to him
and said, “Give me one more chance. I love you and I need you.
I
will never hurt you anymore.
” But the boy just laughed and
said,
“Only a fool would take back someone who hurt them so
badly…” The girl felt hopeless and began
to cry, but the boy put his arms
around her, hugged her tightly
and said,
. .
. . . .
. .
“And I guess I am one of those
fools.”
A boy was dating a girl who
always hurt his feelings. One day, she broke up with him
and stormed out of the house. Three months later, the girl had a
change of heart.
She realized that she really loved
the boy,
so she went back to him
and said, “Give me one more chance. I love you and I need you.
I
will never hurt you anymore.
” But the boy just laughed and
said,
“Only a fool would take back someone who hurt them so
badly…” The girl felt hopeless and began
to cry, but the boy put his arms
around her, hugged her tightly
and said,
. .
. . . .
. .
“And I guess I am one of those
fools.”
FULL STORY: Boy: Hey, can I tell you something?
FULL STORY:
Boy: Hey, can I tell you
something?
Girl: Yeah, of course.
Boy: I... I love you.
Girl: *sighs* Boy: What's wrong?
Girl: I can't tell you. I'm sorry.
Boy: Are you sure?
Girl: Why do you love me?
Boy: Because you're the sweetest
girl I've ever met, you can make me laugh, and you're beautiful
both inside and out.
Girl: I... Thank you. I just wish you
could know... But I can't. I'm sorry.
Boy: It's okay, you can tell me
when you're ready. Girl: I have to go.
Boy: See you later beautiful.
*Later that night the boy gets a
call from one of his friends*
Friend: Did you hear?
Boy: What are you talking about? *Friend explains that the girl
took pills earlier that night, and
she was in a coma in the hospital.
The boy realises this meant she'd
taken the pills before he'd talked
to her* Boy: Oh my god... I should've told
her sooner.
Friend: What are you talking
about?
Boy: It doesn't matter, I have to
go. *The boy drives to the hospital
to go see the girl. At first they
tell him he probably shouldn't go
in, but he says he needs to, and
it'll only be a few minutes*
Boy: Why didn't I tell you sooner... Boy: I know you'll wake up. You're
stronger than anyone thinks.
They say people in comas can
hear things... So I'll talk to you
until you wake up.
Boy: I don't have much time now though. Remember I love you.
*The next day the boy goes and
talks to her. He tells her
everything that happened during
the day and again, tells her he
loves her and she's the most amazing girl in the world. He
continues this for three weeks
until one day he shows up to find
something unexpected*
Boy: Hey beautiful. *squeezes her
hand* Girl *squeezes hand back*
Boy: *stares with an astonished
look while a nurse walks in*
Nurse: What's wrong?
Boy: She squeezed my hand.
Nurse: Are you sure? Boy: I'm positive!
Nurse: I think it's time you go
home. We'll call you if she's awake,
I promise.
*Boy reluctantly goes home. He
goes back to the hospital for a few days after that, but they
keep telling him he can't see the
girl. Finally, he gets a call from
the nurse at the hospital he'd
spoken to before*
Nurse: Technically she's not allowed visitors besides her family
yet, but her parents say it's
alright if you come.
Boy: *drives right away to the
hospital to see the girl*
Nurse: *leads him to the room and leaves him sitting next to
her bed*
Girl: *eyes flutter open*
Boy: Beautiful as always.
Girl: I remember you. I can't
remember everything, but I remember you.
Boy: I spoke to you every day.
Girl: I heard you. I wanted to
respond but I couldn't.
Boy: I knew you'd wake up.
Girl: I can hardly even walk. And look at these needles stuck in my
arm. They hurt. *motions to IV*
Boy: I wish I could take away the
pain, but you'll have them off
soon enough. They're helping you.
And you'll be up and moving soon enough. *smiles*
Girl: There was something I really
wanted to say, every day before
you left.
Boy: What is it?
Girl: I love you too.
Boy: Hey, can I tell you
something?
Girl: Yeah, of course.
Boy: I... I love you.
Girl: *sighs* Boy: What's wrong?
Girl: I can't tell you. I'm sorry.
Boy: Are you sure?
Girl: Why do you love me?
Boy: Because you're the sweetest
girl I've ever met, you can make me laugh, and you're beautiful
both inside and out.
Girl: I... Thank you. I just wish you
could know... But I can't. I'm sorry.
Boy: It's okay, you can tell me
when you're ready. Girl: I have to go.
Boy: See you later beautiful.
*Later that night the boy gets a
call from one of his friends*
Friend: Did you hear?
Boy: What are you talking about? *Friend explains that the girl
took pills earlier that night, and
she was in a coma in the hospital.
The boy realises this meant she'd
taken the pills before he'd talked
to her* Boy: Oh my god... I should've told
her sooner.
Friend: What are you talking
about?
Boy: It doesn't matter, I have to
go. *The boy drives to the hospital
to go see the girl. At first they
tell him he probably shouldn't go
in, but he says he needs to, and
it'll only be a few minutes*
Boy: Why didn't I tell you sooner... Boy: I know you'll wake up. You're
stronger than anyone thinks.
They say people in comas can
hear things... So I'll talk to you
until you wake up.
Boy: I don't have much time now though. Remember I love you.
*The next day the boy goes and
talks to her. He tells her
everything that happened during
the day and again, tells her he
loves her and she's the most amazing girl in the world. He
continues this for three weeks
until one day he shows up to find
something unexpected*
Boy: Hey beautiful. *squeezes her
hand* Girl *squeezes hand back*
Boy: *stares with an astonished
look while a nurse walks in*
Nurse: What's wrong?
Boy: She squeezed my hand.
Nurse: Are you sure? Boy: I'm positive!
Nurse: I think it's time you go
home. We'll call you if she's awake,
I promise.
*Boy reluctantly goes home. He
goes back to the hospital for a few days after that, but they
keep telling him he can't see the
girl. Finally, he gets a call from
the nurse at the hospital he'd
spoken to before*
Nurse: Technically she's not allowed visitors besides her family
yet, but her parents say it's
alright if you come.
Boy: *drives right away to the
hospital to see the girl*
Nurse: *leads him to the room and leaves him sitting next to
her bed*
Girl: *eyes flutter open*
Boy: Beautiful as always.
Girl: I remember you. I can't
remember everything, but I remember you.
Boy: I spoke to you every day.
Girl: I heard you. I wanted to
respond but I couldn't.
Boy: I knew you'd wake up.
Girl: I can hardly even walk. And look at these needles stuck in my
arm. They hurt. *motions to IV*
Boy: I wish I could take away the
pain, but you'll have them off
soon enough. They're helping you.
And you'll be up and moving soon enough. *smiles*
Girl: There was something I really
wanted to say, every day before
you left.
Boy: What is it?
Girl: I love you too.
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